I was so much wiser when I was 26... Last night I found poems I wrote when my first husband, Mark, died. I was angry, grief-stricken and hurt, but I was sure I had some sort of spiritual understanding.
The more deaths I lived through, the more eulogies I wrote, the older I grew, the less sure I became. Until I became sure there were no answers to the 'Whys'. There are no ‘Whys’. We just think there are. It didn't stop me tormenting myself with them. It also never stopped me believing in love.
The only time questions disappeared was when I fell in love with my husband, Anton.
All that mattered was that I had this incredible man to love. I had this beautiful being to share my energy with. I was witness to his life and he was witness to mine.
We melted into each other from the first day. I met myself in him and he met himself in me. The good and the bad. To still look at the worst and the best of yourselves and find unconditional love is a revelation.
What was even more incredible was that we found peace with each other. I would have been with him in a shack, or a mansion. It didn't matter. He was my world and I was his.
Sometimes we are given heaven on earth, or sometimes we see clearly enough to be able to take it. We had a piece of heaven. I don't know why he had to die young too. It may not even matter. All of my losses may not matter. We all try so hard to make sense of a world that is senseless.
I just hoped the tiny bit of heaven we found would last a little longer. I foolishly believed that so much loss would be balanced with a few more years.
I am reminded always there are no answers to the 'Whys'. I'm more sure than ever there are no ‘Whys’.
I still believe in love. Of course I do.
But after all these years I now know the only thing that matters is finding a love like I did. Loving someone more than you love yourself. And being loved in return. When that truly happens you have found the meaning of life. I found the perfect love.
And that is the only answer life will ever give you.