9 March is the anniversary of my husband, Anton's death.
How we began - For Anton, one of the million reasons I love you so…Anton's first written message to me began with the words, Hello Beautiful Lady, in the subject line. I remember thinking, Oh no! Another unwanted and unwelcome proposition. How wrong I was! He was always a perfect gentleman. He told me about his life, the good and the bad. And there was lots of sad and bad. He told me everything in his past - and then some.
He spoke often of being a single dad – he liked that. It was one of the things he loved in the story of himself. He spoke of how he had become the bear, as he was known in Spiritual circles. Of how he loved to love people, to show them they were as perfect as they were ever going to be. He was a healer, a shaman and a lucid dreamer who believed that Gaia makes no mistakes.
He was also on a mission to undermine organised religions. Truth was UNSHAKEABLE, he said. And all fingers led to one hand of the truth. He had no time for Cosmo Gurus. They took advantage of people who were looking for new answers to the same questions. And the answers were already there.
'Dearest AmandaThrough you I have been reminded that it is all right to be sad, and it is all right to be reminded of Love that has come and gone without being accepted. It is all right to be reminded of the Joy to be found in eating of the fruit that grows on the tree of all life, Love. It is all right to feel vulnerable.I have been on my own if not in flesh then in Spirit for a long time.I have not felt lonely, for a strange peace has reigned within me through my own busyness and desire to help others heal themselves. I have turned any longing or need I may have felt outward and directed that energy towards others. I know I have finished my last karmic relationship and felt that now it would be all right; things would again be predictable and safe.The little girl in you has unsettled that for me, and shown me a longing I felt I no longer had.What I share with you is a declaration of loneliness, and I ask you not to think less of me for it, I merely rediscover my own humanity. You have made me feel lonely for the first time in so long that I cannot remember, you have made me mourn myself and the longing I have hidden from myself. You have made me feel that all the blessings I have showered on me are somehow just not enough.You have restored my faith; that there are Women who are still vulnerable, honest and who know how to Love deeply and passionately. You have reminded me that there are still a few ladies left in this busy demanding world we live in who have not forgotten how to be soft and gentle.I know Gaia makes no mistakes and now search my own Soul and petition the Ancestors for answers, I know that everything works together for my highest Spiritual purpose and look forward in anticipation to her revelation.Thank you so much Amanda, for being you and for sharing your Spirit with me. You have tremendous courage, inner strength and beauty. I feel honoured to to share your energy, truthfulness and vulnerability.Thank you for being a reminder to me and reflecting myself back on me, I am grateful. I ask for nothing in return Amanda and ask you not to feel bad in any way for how you have stirred me. My sharing has taken more courage from me than you could imagine.Your son is right Amanda; your light reveals the shadows in others.Much Love to you Always Beautiful BeingLove Anton'
And that is how our story began...
I love you, Anton. I think of you every second of every minute of every day. Just as I did when you were alive. You were supposed to be the ending to my story, just as you used to say I was your happy ending. We were supposed to die together. And in a way, I guess we did. I ended the day you died. It's just a shadow that carries on.
Maybe one day I'll be strong enough to write about us. Maybe. But it's difficult to describe heaven on earth. You have to feel it, live it.
Thank you for being my piece of heaven. Thank you for your love, your beautiful heart, your giving spirit, your keen intelligence and your endless grace. You were, and always will be, my dream come true. I ache for you, my beautiful, beautiful man.